The Agony Of Life And Of Love

by Bethany

URL: http://area52hkh.net/asb/bethany8/agonyofl.php
Summary: Jack and Daniel understand each other

"I don't like wearing my grief as a badge... I don't want the person I'm grieving for to think they meant nothing, but I don't like wearing a badge to stick under people's noses... Sometimes, I think all I deserve is the pain of grief. Most of the time, I don't even think I deserve to grieve, in that I'm not the person who has the most right to the pain and all the rest of it..." Daniel admitted. "People think it's easy for me to cry – But I hate it – I hate myself, most of the time, when I do." Daniel paused. "It's like, with Sha're, and Abydos, and everything along with, if I hadn't been selfish, and stayed with them; if I hadn't showed them writing, and re-acquainted them with reading, etc, if I hadn't been there to show them they might still need an escape route, one day... Then, the Gate would never have spewed out Apophis, or Anubis, or anyone... And, Abydos would probably have remained off limits, or forgotten, and safe..."

"It's not your fault, Daniel. Not one bit of it." Jack stated, meaning it absolutely.

"It's not your fault about Charlie either..." Daniel noted truthfully.

"I'll never believe that." Jack stated honestly.

"And about Sha're and her people... Her family... Neither will I..." Daniel confided.

Jack knew what Daniel meant, and recognised a lot of what Daniel said, in himself.

Daniel knew that Jack could identify with him.

They both needed happiness, yet weren't sure they ever deserved, least of all now – and both men knew it of each other... They weren't even sure they could accept comfort, from each other, or anyone... And when they did accept it from each other, or someone, in their separate lives, there again was the guilt, or more guilt; often, a mix of both.

They lay in bed together, at Daniel's place, on their backs now, talking but staring at the ceiling, their pinky fingers entwined, as, a short while, their whole bodies had been, and, despite everything, every difference and similarity, their minds frequently were...

Jack wanted to enfold Daniel in his arms, always did, not let that stop at just during the sex they had together... He wanted to stop his friend's pain, and maybe, his own – But he didn't want to make Daniel feel weak, because he wasn't...

And so, in spite of everything, it seemed, they continued to lay together when, however it came about, they could; whatever that made them – They weren't sure... But each man suspected he loved the other, as they lay together on this day, and any other, as usual – And, because of that, both men hated themselves, on some level, for their possible selfishness, and were afraid for the other, as much as they were for themselves, at the thought that the other might go; might be taken, and never be able to come back again...

The End

Author's Note: I make no money, and mean to step on no one's toes at all,by writing my stories... Feedback welcome as long as it is always polite.