Tainted Love

by boilerbmw

URL: http://area52hkh.net/asb/boilerbmw/tainted.php
Summary: Not supplied

Part 1

John sat in the dark and continued to try to get free of his bonds. The drugs that had been used to subdue him were making him ill and it was taking all his considerable willpower to keep from throwing up. Since he was gagged he knew that would be bad, very bad. The blows he'd taken had bruised or cracked a few ribs and he was tearing the skin from his wrists in his efforts to escape. His head throbbed and most of all, the pain from the rape was getting worse. John was a soldier and trained to withstand torture but the man who had taken him was psychotic and had the strength of his madness. John was honest enough to admit that he was scared.

The memory of the man's words kept going through John's head, on an almost constant playback. "Think you can take my place by his side, do you? Bastard. You tricked him with pretty words and the excitement of fieldwork but I'm the one who always stands by him. I help him with his theories and bring him coffee and tell him how much smarter he is than everyone..especially Kavanagh. ME! I'm the one who loves him. And with you out of the way, he'll love me again and not you."

Passionate words but they had made no sense to John who couldn't even place psycho-boy. The explanation that followed might have been funny if it hadn't been accompanied by kicks and punches. "Leave it to Rodney to finally get an admirer who is so far below insane, it makes insane look good." Turns out, psycho-boy was really Thomas Williams, a scientist who served under Rodney. Sadly, he wanted to be under Rodney for reasons other than science. And he thought John was the reason Rodney had turned him down.

"He only thinks he loves you. He really just wants your ass. Yeah, Major pretty-boy. I bet you're not nearly as good as I am. Pretty boys are never that good in bed." John didn't like the speculative look in Williams' eyes and a flash of fear jolted through him. He hated the gag in his mouth because there was so much to say. He wanted to tell Williams that he was straight and he really thought Rodney was, too. He wanted to say that even if Rodney swung both ways he didn't swing that way with John. But those thoughts disappeared as Williams started tearing and pulling at John's clothes.

Because then John was glad for the gag. Glad he couldn't let the words in his head out. Because he was really afraid his reasonable explanations might sound an awful lot like begging. He wanted to beg as strong fingers parted his cheeks and a rough and dry finger was shoved into him. John tried to remember his warfare training. If rape is inevitable, do not struggle. Try to relax your muscles so that tearing does not occur. You need to stay strong and if you are torn, infection might set in. Words, they had just been words. John tried to breath through the fear and pain and "Oh God it hurts"

"Tight oh yeah, this might not be so bad." Williams was grunting as he tried to enter John's body. "Well, let me at least use some spit. Don't care if you get hurt but I don't want to tear the skin off of my dick." Then the pressure/pain was back and John tried to relax and tried to bear down but Williams was hard and thick and John hated him with every fiber of his being.

He was glad for the gag as it blocked what surely would have been a scream of pain as his body was breached. The entry was hard and fast and soon Williams was thrusting fiercely into John, rocking his already throbbing head into the wall. The words were just as bad. "Oh yeah, tight little whore, so good to screw but not worth his love. He'll see, oh yeah. See that you're not worth it. Look at you, not even hard and crying little baby tears. Pussy! Gonna show him that I'm more of a man than you'll..ever..BE..AHHH GOD! Coming oh yeah!"

John was mortified that Williams was right, he was crying; tears of pain and all he wanted was to get the hell out of this place. He hated that he could feel it so intensely as Williams pulled out of his body. Could feel something dripping down his thighs, could see the pleasure and madness on the face above him, could hear the panting and laughing.

Now, moments later, John sat trying to loosen the ropes. He tensed as he heard another sound off to his left, just past the open door. This area was off limits so who could be here?

As if reading his mind, Williams whispered into his ear, "He's here. Now he'll see that you're nothing. Just a pathetic crying loser who can't even provide a good fuck. He'll see and then we'll tell everyone and we'll be together. Rodney, through this door; we're here!"

John heard Rodney before he saw him and wasn't that par for the course. "Williams? What the hell is going on? Why am I here and ..Oh my God. Major?"

John saw the look of horror on Rodney's face at his first sight of John: mostly naked, bruised and bleeding. Gagged and dirty and tears still on his face, John knew he looked almost as bad as he felt..

"Who did this? Why haven't you untied him? We need to call Carson." Rodney started to press his radio while he was moving towards John. He stopped at the sight of the gun pointing at John's head. "Williams? Wh..what is all this? He needs help."

"No, Rodney. He doesn't deserve help. I had to make you see. See that the man you think you love is nothing. Not worthy of you. I am the one meant to be at your side." Williams was looking at Rodney but didn't seem to notice the look of shocked disbelief..of disgust.

"Thomas, I am not involved with the Major. He had nothing to do with why I told you that I wasn't interested. I don't know what.." Rodney stopped at the chilling grin that came over Williams' face.

"I watch you at night. On the cameras. You love him. You want him. I hear you call out his name when you pleasure yourself. If you're not together now, you would have been soon. But he's not worth it. I tried him out for you and he wasn't any good at all. Not like you dreamed about alone in your room. You can't lie to me, Rodney. I know you too well. You love this piece of shit grunt. But that's going to change."

John waited for the denial and was shocked at the horrified guilt on Rodney's face. The realization that he had been watched, caught, was all over the expressive face. "Oh dear God! I never would have said anything, done anything. We're friends. I wouldn't have ruined that for an admission of unrequited love. You prick, why didn't you come to me? Take me? Why did you have to hurt the man in charge of saving our sorry asses? Now put down the gun and let me get some help for the Major."

"Not until you tell me that you'll give us a chance. I love you and I know I can make it good for you. Not like this piece of ass. Just lies there, I can be better."

John really wished for a moment that Rodney could hide his emotions better, even if it meant John wouldn't win at poker as often. The outrage he felt was not hidden in the least. Ignoring the gun that was now turned on him, Rodney advanced to John's side and crouched down beside him. "Major, I'm going to remove the gag first, all right?" John was grateful for the gentle hand that smoothed his hair from his sweaty face.

But then the gun was pointing at Rodney and John went into full alert, trying to warn Rodney with his eyes. Oblivious, as only a concentrating Rodney could be, Rodney ignored him until he had removed the spit-laden gag.

"You love Rodney remember, you don't want to hurt him." John was appalled at the sound of his voice, weak and hoarse. He tried to signal Rodney with his eyes. Play along.

Subtlety had never been Rodney's strongest suit. "Yes, yes love. Love is good, of course it is. And we should, yes, we should talk about it over coffee. Then there can be ah talking and love and it will all be good." Rodney stood up and beamed at Williams.

John and Williams both stared at Rodney and even through his pain, John had to roll his eyes. Did the man ever get lucky? John couldn't imagine how.

"What?" asked Rodney defensively. Then with more speed than John would have believed he possessed, Rodney grabbed the gun from Williams and issued a kick that would have made his defense instructor proud. Especially when it was followed by a powerful punch to the head. Williams dropped like a rock and Rodney's defense instructor could only say. "Wow, great form, McKay."

Rodney started to call for help but John stopped him with a word. "Please. Please, Rodney help me first. I want to be a bit more ah..clothed before we get out of here."

Without a word, Rodney used his pocketknife to cut the ropes that bound John. John realized that he was shaking and tried to stop. Without success.

"Let's just sit a moment shall we? Let me cover you and we'll go just as soon as you warm up." Rodney carefully wrapped his jacket around John and squeezed his shoulder. John allowed himself to be pulled into a half hug, appreciating the warmth and the gesture. The first sob surprised him almost as much as it surprised Rodney and before he could really think about what he was doing, he buried his face in Rodney's neck and allowed the second sob to come.

Rodney hesitated only a moment before wrapping both arms around John and rocking him gently back and forth. John reveled in the warmth of the embrace and didn't even mind the hand brushing through his hair or the soft kiss he felt at his temple. "Shh, it will be all right. You'll get through this, I promise. So sorry, I'm so damn sorry. I didn't know, I swear. Didn't know he'd hurt you." The words were less important than the tone and John accepted the comfort from his friend.

Finally the tears ran dry and John had gathered strength enough to get up. He allowed Rodney to help him dress and he supervised as Rodney restrained Williams. They'd send someone back for him but John needed Rodney to help him walk back to the infirmary. It gave John a small measure of control to know he'd be walking to the infirmary on his own two feet.

John was grateful to be away from that psychotic bastard but he was realist enough to know that there was a lot of unpleasantness ahead of him. Not the least of which would be dealing with the guilt he saw in Rodney's eyes. He knew that in addition to his physical and emotional recovery he'd have to find a way to deal with the fact that, thanks to psycho boy, he now knew his best friend was in love with him.

Part 2

John Sheppard awoke already smiling. Today was the day he got out of the chamber of horrors. He knew he was being a bit unfair but he really, really hated the infirmary. Carson had promised that he could go to his own room today and perhaps light duty in a few days.

John grimaced a bit as he remembered the look of shock on the doctor's face when he and Rodney had hobbled in two days ago. His diagnosis had not been surprising. Heavily bruised ribs, slight concussion, and of course the tearing he'd received during the rape. Fortunately, nothing that wasn't healing fairly quickly. John was more than ready to be alone in his room. He was tired of feeling like he was on display. He'd had to talk to Heightmeyer, who had seemed suspicious that he seemed to be dealing with everything so well. But really, John believed all the words he'd spoken. The rape wasn't his fault, it didn't change him. Casualty of war and all that. He blamed only Williams and he was totally insane so what good did that do?

Nobody seemed able to explain what made the man snap. Kate felt that he had previously undisclosed issues. She had the grace to blush when John gave her a level look and said, "Really? Ya think?"

Of course, Rodney had all the answers. It was his fault. Yep, John's usually 'can't shut him the hell up' scientist had responded to Weir's questioning with those two words. "My fault." Then he left and hadn't been seen in the infirmary since. John knew he'd been there from the chocolate and power bars left behind, but he hadn't talked to John. Today, that was going to change.

Carson rolled his eyes when he came in to check John that morning. "Feeling a wee bit optimistic, Major? How on Earth did you get your clothes here, let alone get dressed already?" Even through the admonishment, Carson was smiling. "I'm glad you're feeling so much better but I do need to check you once more. I'm sorry."

John shrugged and got undressed again. "Worth a shot, Doc!" He suffered through the uncomfortable exam in silence and looked hopefully at Carson as he redressed.

"Aye, coming along well. You'll need your antibiotics and the cream we've been using. I imagine you'll be tender all over for a bit longer but you're healing inside and out very well. Are you sleeping well, any nightmares?" Carson had his compassionate friend face on rather than the professional doctor face but John still hesitated. "I'm not trying to pry, Major, but if you want to talk?"

"Carson..ah damn it. This whole thing sucks but I'm not going to fall apart here. I'm sure I'll have some issues to deal with but right now I just want to get to my own room and rest. Oh, and I need to track down a certain genius and kick his ass out of whatever guilt cesspool he's in. Like he could have predicted that saying no to psycho boy would have led to this."

Carson looked relieved and John narrowed his eyes. "He's talked to you, hasn't he? What load of crap is going through that colossal brain of his?"

"Nothing good, I'm afraid," admitted Carson. "As you say, he feels responsible and guilty and a bit afraid, I believe. Afraid that you will feel differently about him, knowing what you know."

Instead of an outraged denial, John sat and thought for a minute. "Maybe I do feel a bit different about him but I don't really think in a bad way. We do need to talk though so next time you see him, please send him to me, all right?"

Later that day, John reveled in relaxing in privacy. He was happy to be out of the infirmary but he fell unsettled and rather antsy. He was rather amused to realize that after wanting so badly to be alone, all he wanted now was to see Rodney. "I want to make sure this whole mess doesn't affect our friendship." And that was true but it wasn't the whole truth and John had been willing to do many things in his life but lie to himself was not one of them. "Maybe I've got to acknowledge that there has always been something 'more' to my friendship with Rodney."

From the start they had fought, yelled, laughed and played just a bit more intensely that the average friends. Their arguments were legendary as were their adventures and mishaps. John wasn't sure what people would think if they knew he and Rodney also did their late night insomniac wanderings together. Several times a week they would wander the quiet city late at night, often stopping at one of the city balconies. Sometimes talking about the ghosts that haunted them, often just sitting in companionable silence. On rare occasions a friendly shoulder was offered without comment. John could still remember the feel of Rodney's warmth wrapped around him as John gave his own personal memorial to the men killed in the Genii raid.

"I guess that should have been a clue, right there," thought John ruefully. "When have I ever allowed anyone to see me cry?" All the memories and thoughts he had about Rodney were forcing him closer to a revelation even more shocking than the knowledge that Rodney was in love with him. Was it possible that John could fall in love with his best friend, as well? Then there was a knock on the door and John's time to think was over.

Part 3

Rodney entered the room looking both belligerent and hesitant. John thought to himself that only McKay could pull off that particular combination.

"Major. Carson asked me to deliver this medication. He said you needed it right away. How are..ah.how are you feeling?" John was pleased to see that under the jitters, Rodney seemed genuinely concerned.

"Fine, Rodney. Or at least if not fine..better. Well, enough of this chitchat crap. Why have you been avoiding me? And please no bullshit. Talk to me McKay."

"Ah, you want me to talk, fine. What do you want me to say? That I should have known Williams was unstable? I should have seen his obsession? That I should have known he would go after you? Well, all those things are true. I should have seen it. I'm a fucking genius and I couldn't see what was right in front of me." Rodney was almost shouting in agitation, pacing and wringing his hands.

"Okay, that's all a load of crap so let's skip to the part where you tell me why you never told me a) you play both sides of the fence and b) you wanted me to be playing with you." John decided to blame the pain medication for his sudden burst of bravery. He was also incredibly proud that he'd actually rendered Rodney speechless. There was actually a betting pool as to whether Rodney would ever be incapable of speech for longer than 60 seconds.

John waited patiently while Rodney blinked at him, still in stunned silence. Finally: "I can't believe you just said that. You're on drugs, aren't you? Please tell me that you're on drugs and that you won't remember this in the morning."

"Drugged, maybe. But I think I have the right to know. Rodney..I want to know." John tried for soothing but from the look on Rodney's face..not happening.

"Fine, if humiliating me makes you feel better than I guess it's no less than I deserve. I guess you'll want details? Specifics? You want to hear about how that son of a bitch bugged my room? How he put cameras in my room so he could see me, hear me? I'm sure you'll get a laugh out of knowing how he heard me talking to myself when I was..during..private moments. Calling out your .. name. Telling you that I love you since I could never say it to your face. Ohgodohgodohgod!"

John was alarmed to see a full blown panic attack hit Rodney. His breathing was harsh and gasping and still he tried to leave, tried to run. He was still muttering, "God, so sorry." Over and over again. John did the only thing he could think of and grabbed Rodney around the waist and pulled him to the floor. John sat against the wall arms around Rodney, trying to calm his breathing, hoping Rodney didn't elbow him in the ribs trying to get away. But slowly, Rodney calmed, matching his breathing to John's.

"I never would have said anything or done anything, I swear. I was happy to be your friend. Not like I've never lived with unrequited love before. God, knowing that he watched me just makes my skin crawl. Like I've been violated. I know it was worse for you but please believe me when I say I would give anything if I could have taken your place."

"NO! I'm glad it wasn't you Rodney. I don't blame you and I want you to knock this guilt shit off right now. As for the rest..well hell Rodney. We all have our ..private moments. He did violate you when he watched. But Rodney do you really think I'd turn away from my best friend because he ..ah..you know..loves me?"

Rodney gave a hesitant smile. "Best friend? Hmm yes, best friend of course." He gave a small happy hum and his breathing eased even more.

"You have to know that I love you, too Rodney. Maybe not in the exact same way.." John realized that he was still embracing Rodney and more to the point that it felt really good. Safe and warm and..good. "Hell, maybe in the same way. I don't know Rodney. I do know that I'll need help to recover and that is most assuredly a best friends job."

Once again Rodney sat in stunned silence and John mentally sighed at the money he could have won if there was just one witness around. A rush of honest affection for this man ran through John and he hugged him as tightly as his ribs would allow. Then with only the barest hesitation he kissed Rodney square on the lips. It was a brief, chaste kiss but Rodney looked as if every wish he'd ever made had been granted. John felt a surprising tug on his heart at the sight of Rodney, fingers on his lips, gazing at John in awe.

Then the moment was over and Rodney was helping him up and into his bed and muttering about stubborn patients who needed food and rest and if John didn't want that dessert on his tray could Rodney have it. John hid his smile behind his hand and obeyed Rodney's every direction. They turned the talk to less emotional issues and soon were behaving almost normally. Before too long, John was starting to lean a bit and his eyes were fluttering closed in between words.

"Time for all good little Majors to be in bed..and you too, John!" Rodney snickered at the sour look on John's sleepy face. "Well, good night, John." Rodney hesitated and then pressed his lips softly to John's cheek and briefly ran his fingers briefly through the dark hair. Rodney turned down the lights and started to leave.

John was surprised to feel a spike of distress and his heart started beating faster. "Wait, Rodney!" The words came out much louder than he had intended and he saw Rodney jump a bit as he turned around, eyes searching for a problem.

"What? What's the matter?"

John just stared at him helplessly. Rodney was his best friend. Potentially a soon to be more than best friend but the words he really wanted to say just would not come out of his mouth. So he looked at Rodney and hoped.

Rodney casually walked back towards John and moved one of the chairs neared to the bed. "Actually, I was thinking I should stay a bit longer. Make sure you drop off to sleep. Doctor's orders and all that." With no further fuss, Rodney picked up the book by John's bed and started to read. He casually left one hand on John's bed and said nothing when John moved his hand closer until their hands were pressed lightly together.

He knew that in the morning he'd have to face his embarrassment at this neediness and deal with his fears but for now John felt his whole body relax. He drifted off to sleep content that Rodney would watch over him. John wasn't sure where he'd go from here but at least he knew there was somewhere to go. More importantly, he knew that he wouldn't have to travel alone.

Part 4

John sighed as he sat in his room, alone. It had been a month since Williams had taken him: or psycho-boy, as John had dubbed him. Four weeks and the physical marks were all but gone. Bruises had faded, ribs and concussion repaired and the tearing from the rape, healed. Even Heightmeyer had cleared John, although not without a rather suspicious look. John was officially back to normal. Officially.

John was still having some nightmares but he didn't think that was too unusual. Well, maybe the nature of the dreams was a bit odd. The dreams were not filled with images of Williams hurting him but of John hurting Rodney. It was starting to piss him off greatly. The dreams were so intense. He could see the tears in Rodney's eyes; hear him pleading with John not to hurt him. But God, worst of all, when he woke up each morning, he could still feel the slick sweat of Rodney's skin, feel the tight heat as he pumped in and out of Rodney's naked body. And each morning John had to live with the shame and guilt as he cleaned off the evidence of his own explosive orgasm.

He'd stopped talking to Rodney, stopped accepting the comfort he offered. John knew that Rodney was confused and hurt but damned if he would allow Rodney closer. There was no way he was going to allow Rodney to be hurt, not even by John himself. Not even if all John wanted each night before he fell asleep was the feeling of warmth and safety he'd felt on those first nights as he slept with Rodney sitting watch by his side.

So now, another night had John afraid to sleep. Afraid to drift off into a world of dreams where he was capable of hurting the one man he cared for above all.

At first he thought the dreams had started earlier than usual when Rodney walked in. Then he realized he was still awake and his friend had opened the door and come in without warning.

"Hell, Major."

Rodney glared at John who could only mutter a confused, "HUH?"

"Hell! You look like it, you treat me like it and I know you're going through it. SO, I'm here and I'm not leaving until you tell me what the HELL is going on." Rodney had his determined look and John knew that Rodney wasn't going anywhere. Until he learned the truth of John's dreams. Then John was pretty sure, Rodney would run not walk away. Away from John. And that hurt so much John couldn't stop the groan of pain.

"John, just tell me. Even if ..well, we're still friends. I understand if there is nothing more than that but.. God John, you know I'd never force the issue. What?"

John had started to laugh. It was a sick sound and he could see that Rodney was alarmed. "You want to know? I dream every night, okay? Every damn night. And I wake up remembering the tears and the pain and God even the pleasure and I hate myself but the next night I dream again!" John was panting with the effort to get the words out. He could see that Rodney still didn't understand.

"Major..John, I'm sure it is normal to dream about what happened to you. Let me help."

"Not what happened to me. It's what I do to you. Every night, I rape you and you cry and tell me that I'm hurting you but I don't stop. I never stop." John stopped abruptly as he realized he was on the verge of losing it. He stopped and took several deep breaths and forced himself to meet Rodney's eyes. "See, I'm not afraid of what he did to me. It's what I want to do to you that terrifies me. I think you should leave now. I think you'd be safer away from me." Oh, it hurt to say those words but John wanted Rodney to be safe. He was totally unprepared for the response he received.

"Oh, please. You'd never hurt me. You're the ultimate Boy Scout."

"I've hurt plenty of people Rodney, don't kid yourself."

"But not me. Never anyone you care for. Now would you like to know what that dream means or are you enjoying wallowing in your misery?" Despite the blunt words, Rodney had moved closer to John and now sat next to him on the bed. Slowly, Rodney wrapped an arm around John.

"All right, genius, what is happening to me?" John didn't even bother hiding the tremor in his voice.

"John, you're combining elements of your fears and feelings together in one giant ball of angst. You have the fear from the rape. It hurt. It was painful and made you feel helpless. Second you are having some feelings for a man..me. You are taking perfectly normal desire: wanting to make love to me: and because your only experience leads you to believe it will hurt..you see it as wanting to hurt me."

John looked for flaws in that piece of analysis but found none. Rodney actually made sense. John felt a rush of relief roll through him.

"So, Dr. Sue, what do I do to stop these dreams?"

Rodney hesitated then leaned back and said, "Make love to me John. You'll see that it doesn't have to hurt. Between two people who lo..ah care for each other, it can be good. Better than good."

John thought it through for a moment and made a slight adjustment to Rodney's plan. "Yeah, that makes sense but Rodney, I couldn't ah ..not yet anyway.. see, I need you to take ..ah point ..so to speak. I can't do anything to you unless I know and I mean really know..that I won't hurt you. Will you do that? Will you make love to me, Rodney? Show me how it can be?"

Rodney just sat there a moment, eyes closed. When he opened them his blue eyes were bright.

"Yes, John. I'll make love to you and show you how it can be. How it should be." With that, Rodney leaned in and shared a kiss both sweet and gentle with John. Then he smiled and the sight of the grin sent a flash of unexpected arousal through John. He lay back on the bed and just like that gave up control to Rodney.

Part 5

John was mildly amazed to find that he wasn't even nervous about this. He trusted Rodney. Rodney wouldn't hurt him or scare him and if it was necessary, Rodney would stop. So John relaxed into the feeling of Rodney massaging his arms, raising his shirt. Then there was the feeling of Rodney running slightly calloused hands over John's chest. John shivered then gasped, as he felt soft, warm lips pressing kisses to his cheek, lips, and eyes. He allowed Rodney to remove both of their shirts and then he felt skin on skin as they pressed together. Lips took his in a firm kiss. Then Rodney's tongue traced his lips and John didn't even hesitate to open for him. The kiss turned fiery as they nibbled and sucked at each other's mouths. Hot and wet and John realized that his hands were tangled in Rodney's short hair while one of Rodney's hands was holding his face in a tender grip.

Then he was pressed back into a horizontal position and Rodney trailed wet kisses down his neck past his shoulder and straight to his chest. While lips suckled on one small nipple, clever fingers toyed with the other. John didn't even bother to stop the moan that bubbled up. Then Rodney was moving down and John was a bit embarrassed that his boxers left nothing to the imagination. He was hard and there was no hiding that fact. Then the clothing was moved aside and John felt more kisses. On his thighs, his hip, his belly. He moaned again and felt Rodney's smile on his heated flesh. It was surprisingly sweet. Then John felt a puff of air against his erection and thoughts of sweetness disappeared in a blinding flash of lust.

"God yes, please Rodney oh please." John knew he was babbling and didn't care. Because now the puff of air turned into the warm wet feel of Rodney's mouth sliding down John's shaft. John couldn't help the slight thrust but Rodney just chuckled around John's length and John cried out at the pleasure of that feeling. Then Rodney began to suck in earnest. Rhythmically and firmly, Rodney brought John closer to orgasm. Rodney's hands moved between John's face, nipples, thighs, and testicles. Then Rodney took hold of John's erection as he sucked. The other hand grasped John's hand, pulling it from the sheet that it was clenching tightly. Fingers entwined and palms pressed together and John couldn't have held back even if he'd wanted to. Rodney hummed deep in his throat, pumping and sucking and..

John vaguely realized that it was his hoarse scream that filled the room but he was beyond caring. His orgasm rolled through his with blinding force and it was all he could do to remain conscious. During his recovery he could feel Rodney's soft tongue licking at John's release, caressing his now soft penis, his stomach, his chest. John was so wiped out that he couldn't even respond when Rodney kissed his lips, sharing John's own taste with him. Then he was looking into concerned eyes and he said the only thing he could think of to reassure.

"More!"

Rodney nodded slowly and kissed him again. He was murmuring words of comfort or reassurance but John barely understood. All he knew was that he meant that word. John wanted more. He lay there on his bed, relaxed and sated. Then he felt a hand pressing between his legs, caressing gently the entrance to his body. There was no hesitation in John, no fear. He knew it was Rodney and as he felt a slippery finger press inside of him he allowed that knowledge to show in his eyes. Rodney breathed a sigh of relief and continued moving the lone finger in and out, back and forth. John floated in a bit of a daze until another finger was added. He winced at the brief burn but made no word of protest. As the two fingers started to stretch him, John felt a bolt of..something.. hit him and he groaned at the new sensation. He could actually feel the goose bumps rise all over his body.

"What the hell? Prostate?" John managed to gasp the words out as he felt the flash of fire again. "Oh GOD! Didn't know.." Then there was nothing but moaning and panting as Rodney continued his internal massage of John's body. John was thrusting his hips, trying to find friction for his renewing erection, crying out in mindless pleasure. Then everything stopped and he opened his eyes to see Rodney poised above him.

"Are you ready John? Do you still want this?" Rodney had the look of a desperate man. He was red-faced and sweaty, eyes wide and wild with passion. Even through all that, John could see the love. It made his answer frighteningly easy.

"Ready. God, I 'm ready for you Rodney. Please." Then there were no words as John felt the pressure/pain of Rodney entering his body. Instead of one painful hard thrust into an unprepared body; this was a gentle glide that caused only mild discomfort. Then even that was gone as Rodney rested, fully inside of John. Eyes met and nothing needed to be said as Rodney began to move inside of John. John could feel Rodney's muscles bunching as he tried to control the pace of his thrusts, eyes never leaving John's.

Rodney was talking continually to John, and he thought in amusement that that even in passion, Rodney couldn't be silent. John could barely understand the words; all he could hear was the pounding of his heart. This was a feeling he had never anticipated. He had known that Rodney wouldn't hurt him; but he'd never imagined that he'd feel this pleasure form having someone inside of him. He was completely hard again and he slowly started rolling his hips to increase the feelings, meeting Rodney thrust for thrust.

The sound of Rodney groaning deep in his throat just egged him on and soon he was clenching his internal muscles just to feel the added pressure, just to hear Rodney start to lose control.

"Please, John. Sorry, you really need to stop that. Can't.. hold back. AHH! GOD JOHN.." Rodney started moving faster, moaning and panting. He managed to angle himself so that John's newly discovered prostate was being directly stimulated.

That feeling, added to the feel of being filled, was suddenly too much for John and when he heard Rodney moaning that he loved John, so much, he lost control.

Mouth open in a silent scream, John felt himself come as if he would never stop. The pleasure was so intense he couldn't even speak. Vaguely hearing Rodney cry out in completion, he felt himself fade into the haze of pleasure.

It was several moments until John regained control of his body. He was aware of hands running over his body, kisses being pressed everywhere and best of all gentle murmurs, words filled with love. John sighed in pleasure and relief. No fear, no pain; just Rodney taking care of him, loving him. Their clasped hands and joined bodies said everything that they couldn't find words for. John was unsure about many things but he knew that there would be no nightmares tonight.

Before falling asleep, Rodney pulled John to him and gave him the familiar, crooked grin. "Well, right as always, yes?! Now that you know how it can and should be, tomorrow you can take ..ah.. point!"

John sighed in his most put upon way. "If I must.." But his chance to match wits with Rodney was taken away as Rodney pressed his mouth to John's and lazily sucked on his tongue. "Then again, Rodney, why put off until tomorrow." John knew without a doubt that whatever hell he had gone through to get to this point, he was right where he wanted to be, where he needed to be. And as he started to nuzzle Rodney's sensitive neck, he knew he wouldn't be there alone. It was all good..and getting better.