Summary: Look out for the cavalry; it's Daniel to the rescue!
Author's Notes: Cricket is a complicated game to explain, but suffice it to say, a googly is a kind of bowler's trick, designed to fool the batsman. Howzat! is the appeal made by a bowler to the *cough* umpire when he believes the batsman is out. It is a derivative of the phrase 'How's that?' Butlins is a well-known Brit holiday camp chain *shudder*.
Daniel ran until his lungs were bursting and his heart ached. Escaping the clutches of Daft Ada was one thing, but leaving Jack, his lover, behind was something entirely different, and that's what made his heart ache the most.
He felt as guilty as hell that he'd listened to Jack, and that he'd been made to leave him, but right now all Daniel could do was get away safely, and live to fight another day - a cliché, he knew, but true nevertheless.
Careering into the hangar, Skylighter was met by the noise and chaos of a military machine in the throes of evacuation. Searching out a vacant XYZ-Wing one-man fighter, Daniel was determined to do his bit by offering cover to the Alliance's ground forces, engaged at that moment in a futile attempt to stem the tide of the Umpire's invasion force.
Leaping into the cockpit of the little ship, Skylighter waited impatiently while his flight drudge, R2D-Tox was loaded into the superstructure just behind him. The second he was able, Daniel put the vessel into drive and flew low and fast out of the hangar, banking steeply to cruise over the battlefield, which was easy to spot with hundreds of soldiers on either side, dotted against the snowy landscape.
Daniel saw the four-legged Umpire personnel carriers, the Greyhounds, lumbering unsteadily across the ice cap. If he could find a way to literally take the legs out from under one of them, he could disable the canon-firing surface vehicle.
Homing in on the nearest Greyhound, Daniel could see it was a huge structure, and he could easily fly between its legs. Circling the uprights and deploying an extra-strong 4-ply rope, Daniel hoped to trip the Greyhound and make it crash to the ground. Right now he wished he had some fifty-calibre timetables he could use to drop from the bomb bay and help his mission. With any luck, if he could stall the lurching and swaying structure, the Umpire would be bankrupted by the fines it would have to pay for the late arrival of the Greyhound carrier.
Having paid out the rope, he smacked the release button and flew upward, craning his head over his shoulder to watch the Greyhound stumble against its restraints and keel over sideways, hitting the ground with a sickening, vibrating thud.
As he congratulated himself, a ground-launched volley of cricket balls hit his ship, and with his XYZ-Wing in flames, he plummeted downwards, shocked that he was out of the fight. He managed to land the stricken vessel, slewing it across an icy stretch of ground near the hangar he'd just left. Hauling himself out, he threw himself flat as another volley of cricket balls whistled overhead, having been launched from a googly gun.
Jaffa Captain, Silli Midoff, cheered when he thought he'd hit his target, and growled when he saw the Alliance pilot get to his feet and run to the hangar for cover. It didn't matter, the Jaffa Cake thought. He'd get another innings when he hoped he would avoid bowling a duck. If he did, he would be sentenced to death by a Howzat! Court.
Breathlessly, Daniel jogged to the hangar and spotted the Millennium Sparrow. His heart jumped in his mouth, as he thought of Jack, absent from his ship, and without aid in his current situation. The trainee Bedi was determined to help him the best way he knew how.
Quickly he made his way into Jack's ship to find the enigmatic Trekk Chulakabbacca.
"I'm here, but not for long," he called as he entered the cockpit. "I'm going to find Yodel, and learn how to be a Bedi Knight. That way, I'll be able to help Jack."
"As you wish," Chulakabbacca replied firing up the engine.
"I'll meet you at the Alliance co-ordinates as soon as I can."
"Are you running out on us, Daniel?" Princess Layme Crater demanded to know from behind him.
Spinning around, Daniel was met by the pouting prissiness of his scientist friend, who was quickly becoming known as the Farm Gate Queen. Absently, Daniel wondered if she'd ever milked a cow... "The only way I can help to save Jack is to develop my Bedi skills," Daniel retorted.
After an awkward silence, Daniel had a question. "What's going to happen to the Farm Gate?"
"It's being winched into a transport ship. We'll take it with us, and I can carry on trying to figure it out. Of course, my job might be easier if you were there to help me," Layme sniped.
"I'm sorry, Your Highness. I have to get Jack back and right now, but I don't have the skills."
Layme Crater looked him up and down suspiciously. From what she'd heard, Daniel had 'horizontal' skills, developed whilst sleeping with Captain Silo. She wished she had an exciting and satisfying bedmate. Every man she'd ever known had died; she was well aware of her reputation as the Black Widow.
Pouting, she nodded reluctantly. Daniel was his own man, and would go his own way. "Good luck, Daniel. Meet us at the secret co-ordinates when you can," she said kindly.
"Thanks," Daniel said. He scanned the hangar for a spare XYZ-Wing to take him where he needed to go.
While he'd been unconscious, slowly dying of hypothermia out on the ice, when he'd escaped from the Mother Speck, he'd thought he'd heard Brat Enobi's voice. The dead Bedi Knight had been telling him to find Yodel, who would teach him the ways of the Sauce. Daniel had dismissed the message until Jack had been captured by Daft Ada. Now he knew he had to become a Bedi, just like his dead father, and find Jack and save him.
Out in the dark, deep black of space, Daniel began to nod off, thankful for the autopilot. As he drowsed, his mind was on Jack. His feelings were mixed with panic about what Jack could be subjected to, and longing for what they were both missing.
Waking and glancing at the navigation console, Daniel had to call on his intuition to plot a course and find Yodel. He hoped it wouldn't take too long; the small, one-man fighters weren't designed to accommodate a bathroom. Rummaging through his flight bag, he only had a dried up cheese sandwich and four gallons of coffee. Would that be enough to sustain him?
Biting into the bread, he felt something slide against his teeth, something pliable but unyielding. He chuckled to himself, imagining what the reader might be thinking. Smiling he whispered, "Serves you all right for having your brains in the gutter!"
Peeling back the grey, doughy confection he found a sliver of paper. Puzzled, he scraped the butter off and squinted at the large rounded script. It was a message!
Dear Daniel, To find Yodel, you must trust the Sauce, and this map I've drawn for you. Love and peace, Brat.
Daniel stared at the crumpled piece of paper, and the simple line drawing Brat had fashioned.
Go to the end of the street and turn left. Go right at the post office, and right again at the Chinese restaurant.
Sitting miserably in his prison cell, Jack wondered how he was ever going to get out of his latest situation. He remembered waking from unconsciousness to find himself in the stainless steel cell, and thought that it would probably be too small even for Chulakabbacca. There was a hard bed that doubled as somewhere to sit. There was a basin and a toilet, and that was it. He assumed there must be a door, but he couldn't figure out in which wall it might be. Sighing, he scrubbed his fingers through his hair.
He hoped Daniel would try to find him, but the conflict with the Umpire meant he had other priorities. Jack couldn't really expect Daniel to walk away from the war to save his sorry ass.
Jack had always been a bit of a loner, and he could be again. He would draw on his own resources to get him through this. He'd much rather be with Daniel, but he knew he would have to be sanguine about his present circumstances.
Idly, Jack wondered if there was anything he could do to tempt the Jaffa Cakes into letting him go, but he suspected they were too zealous in their beliefs about the Umpire to spring him. He certainly wasn't going to offer his body as a bargaining chip. He had to draw the line somewhere, though he knew, if it was Daniel in his place, he'd do it to free him.
Darkly, his thoughts ran to revenge for his incarceration; he would see the Jaffa Cakes melted by the time this was finished.
As his journey continued, Daniel found himself in conversation with R2D-Tox, the little drudge that was now acting as his ship's navigation computer.
"Yes, I know we're going in the opposite direction to the Alliance's secret co-ordinates, but I have to find Yodel."
R2 bleeped his response. Daniel was so pleased that his linguistic skills stretched to Binary.
Slowly, Daniel's target came into view. What was a small glowing dot in the sky became a large blue-green planet. Daniel thought he was just feeling liverish when he saw the dot and was now relieved to see it was definitely a planet.
Once the XYZ-Wing entered the atmosphere, it bounced, rattled and rolled, eventually plummeting to the surface through thick cloud.
Daniel managed to land his craft half in a muddy pond and half on the stony bank nearby. He wasn't known as a man with no sense of direction for nothing. Sighing, he hoped the reader could untangle that last sentence, and make sense of it. Daniel was good at untangling sentences, and little did he know how important that gift was going to be when he met Yodel.
Having extracted himself from the semi-sunken ship, as far as he could see now a complete write-off, having been totalled on landing, he looked around. He was in a very damp, heavily vegetated area, with what looked like jungle sneakers, giant-leafed rubber boots, evening heels, and grass sandals - he was obviously in the foothills. The place seemed to be abundant with life all around him, and his head was buzzing, not from a headache, but with voices. Aware of murmurings in his head, he wasn't sure whether to embrace them or just run...screaming.
R2D-Tox's whistles made his mind and his hearing focus on a small string bag, and he jumped back, startled when it moved, and amazed when it spoke.
"Looking for someone, you are?" the voice said, growly and playful all at the same time.
"I'm...I'm looking for Yodel," Daniel gasped as the string bag advanced on him.
"With me, come. Show you, I will."
Frowning, Daniel hurriedly rescued what supplies he could from his stricken ship, and told R2 to keep watch on it. His arms were full of equipment, food rations, blankets, and books. Daniel never went anywhere without his library.
Staring at the string bag, Daniel decided to stow what he could inside it.
"Pack animal, I am not!" protested the bag, and Daniel was forced to drop what he was carrying when a small head with large eyes appeared from the neck of the bag.
"You're...you're Yodel!" Daniel exclaimed.
"That I am," replied the Bedi master. "Sought me out, you have," he declared.
"I want to be a Bedi Knight, so that I can overcome the Umpire and save Jack."
"Difficult, the training is," announced Yodel as his short little legs propelled him forward.
"I'm not afraid," Daniel stated passionately.
The string bag raised its eyebrows in surprise, and then slowly knitted them together darkly. "You should be," he growled. "You should be."
Chewing his lower lip, Daniel trudged after Yodel as night fell, and the temperature dropped.
Squeezed into the string bag's little house, Daniel wondered what on earth was going to happen. First, he had to convince Yodel to train him in the ways of the Sauce. Second, he had to get a grip on his rising fear for Jack's welfare.
"Will you train me, Master Yodel?" Daniel asked with impatience.
"Too old, you are," Yodel said, turning to stir the gloop in a large pot.
"But I want to do this, I need to," Daniel pressed. "You have to train me!"
"Do not, I do," threw back the Bedi, taking the wind out of Daniel's sails.
Blinking, he had to process the meaning of Yodel's words. As he did that, he heard an echoey ethereal voice coming out of nowhere. "He is the Sauce's only hope," it said quietly.
Looking around him, Daniel couldn't see anyone else in the little adobe hut except the string bag that was Yodel.
"There is another," the Bedi tutor reposted.
"But he is here now," the eerie voice from Indiana replied.
"Another? Another what?" Daniel interjected, puzzled and frustrated.
Then a shimmering light appeared in front of him, and Obi Brat Enobi was revealed.
"Obi Brat?" Daniel cried, "Is it really you?"
"What am I? Chopped liver?" the dead Bedi tossed back.
"I...I..." Daniel stammered.
"Come with me," the ghostly apparition offered, disappearing through the wall.
"What?" Daniel questioned, his frustration boiling over. "How am I supposed to follow him?" he entreated Yodel. "With the Sauce?"
"Through the door," the Bedi replied flatly, rolling his eyes at the naiveté of his would-be student.
Blushing, Daniel stooped his six-foot frame at the door and stepped outside into the cool night air. He spotted Brat sitting on a log, and wondered how an ethereal non-corporeal body would need to sit anywhere, evidenced by the way Daniel could make out the log showing in Brat's see-through body.
"Daniel, you need to understand that becoming a fully formed Bedi Knight demands a lifetime of commitment, self discipline, and sacrifice.
"Sacrifice?" Daniel asked carefully.
"Sometimes you will be tempted to deal with the minutiae, thus losing sight of the bigger picture. You must learn not to be distracted by the lesser details," Brat stated emphatically.
Frowning, Daniel's thoughts went straight to Jack. Would Brat see his lover as a lesser detail?
"Are you sure you want to become a Bedi?"
"Yes, I am. I want to follow the ways of the Sauce and become a Bedi like my father."
"Your father was a powerful Bedi, Daniel, and he died in the service of the people."
"What was he like?"
"He was a brave man, and an excellent pilot."
"How did he die?"
"He died at the hands of Daft Ada. I'm sorry, Daniel."
Nodding, Daniel acknowledged Brat's sorrow for his lost friend.
"Come, we must go back to Yodel and begin your training."
"Tell me something," Daniel whispered. "Are those abs on Yodel's forehead?"
"No, Daniel," Brat replied. "He just thinks a lot."
"Oh," Skylighter said. He made a mental note not to think too much, which was self-defeating, really, because he had to think to make the note.
The small string bag eyed Daniel as he settled himself cross-legged, hunched in the corner of the hut.
"Concentration, your training requires. At first light we start," announced Yodel.
"What about books?" Daniel asked with enthusiasm. "Will there be books?"
"Of a practical nature, your training is," the string bag chided. "Books, there are none."
"Oh," Daniel said with disappointment. "Not even a small one?"
"No books, there are," Yodel said again with undisguised irritation. "Books and Sauce together mix, they do not."
"Buts, none," scalded the string bag. "A library you cannot have. Only the Sauce."
This complicated way of communicating was giving Daniel a headache, and he just wanted to sleep and dream of Jack...
The next day, Yodel was putting Daniel through a rigorous physical workout.
Upside down and balancing on his hands, Daniel concentrated on his breathing as the blood rushed to his head.
Yodel, levitating a few feet off the ground, set a small boulder on Daniel's left foot, forcing him to readjust his balance.
"Use the Sauce," encouraged the string bag. "Feel the Sauce flow through you. Lift the stone it will. Move it over there, and with consideration, set it down."
"Why, Master Yodel?" Daniel asked in his upside down voice.
"A pond I want to build."
Daniel closed his eyes and felt a warm tingle permeate his body. It was a similar sensation to that which only Jack's touch could generate. Suddenly, Daniel's focus left him, and he lost his balance, the large rock wobbling until it fell with a muted thud onto the soft moss-covered ground.
The string bag leaped out of the way, glaring at his pupil. "Concentrate, you must!" he insisted.
"I...it was Jack," Daniel protested, confused at what was happening to him.
"Explain, you must," Yodel demanded.
"I saw him, well felt him, really. He's in real trouble. I have to save him!"
Quickly, Daniel was up on his feet, looking this way and that, trying to decide what to do first.
"Daniel, calm you must," Yodel said kindly.
"I can't. I have to find Jack. He's in pain."
Jack winced as he was virtually flung into his cell. His body ached, he was bone-tired, and the welts on his back stung like hell.
More than the physical pain though, Jack was confused on an intellectual level. He'd been tortured, but had not been asked any questions about anything during his ordeal.
He figured Daft Ada had enjoyed his focus on Jack's nipples, and the Dark Lord's very heavy handed stroking of his dick, but the madman didn't seem at all interested in finding out what he knew about the Rebellion or what the Alliance was planning.
Instead, he had to put up with Daft Ada's sinister chuckle, and his ranting about some skull or other. As long as he didn't want Jack's skull, the pilot didn't care.
"Stay, you must, and complete your training, Daniel," Yodel pleaded as the trainee Bedi packed his stuff and got ready to leave.
"I can't, Master Yodel. I have to find Jack."
"We can't help you if you go now," Brat confirmed. "You will be on your own."
"I know that, Brat, but I have to leave."
Yodel and the glowy Brat glanced with concern at one another.
"Remember, trust the Sauce, help you it can," the string bag called as Daniel picked the pondweed from his newly retrieved XYZ-Wing.
"I won't forget, Master Yodel," Daniel replied hurriedly.
As Yodel and Brat watched Daniel's ship lift off, the string bag frowned, and shook his head. "Lost its only hope, the Alliance has," the Bedi Master said sadly.
"Don't forget there is another," Brat reminded his colleague.
"Yes," nodded the string bag pensively.
Brat leaned close to his old friend. "Yodel? There is something I must know."
"Speak freely, you can," Yodel replied calmly as the aura of the Sauce, and those dried on crusty bits around the bottle top vibrated around his body.
"Are you going to put fish in your pond?"
Filled with determination, Daniel piloted his little craft towards his lover, who was somewhere in space and held as Daft Ada's prisoner.
Meanwhile, Jack groaned as his pained body reminded him of yet another session at the mercy of his jailor. Again, he was asked no questions. He was tortured, reluctantly and resentfully forced to cry out, and then was tossed back in his cell. It was worse than being at a Butlins holiday camp.
It was as though Daft Ada wanted to give out a message that the Umpire was not to be messed with, except, Jack reasoned, he was in an enemy stronghold, and presumably everyone there already knew what the message was saying.
As he tried to relax on the hard bed in his cramped cell, the door swooshed open, and the dark countenance of the Sniff Lord filled the space.
"Not you again," Jack groaned.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Silo."
"Well, I'm not disappointed. Hear that?" snarked Jack cocking his head to one side. "That's the sound of my crest falling."
"I have come to tell you that your pain has not been in vain."
"Ha," Jack muttered, rolling his eyes. "You're a poet, and you didn't know it," he stated, sarcasm dripping from every word.
"Soon, the Sauce will be crushed, and be no more than a few dregs in the bottom of a Schwarz cayenne pepper jar. The Umpire will declare the contest won," the Dark Lord crowed.
"And you'll look after the welfare of the galaxy," Jack retorted without any care to his own welfare.
Imperiously, Daft Ada stared down at his captive. "Cynicism is the romantic's condom, my friend."
"Huh?" Jack blinked. Was the man completely off his head, or did he just want to get off on his head? Shrugging his shoulders slowly, Jack sat up. "You won't get any information outta me. You might as well let me go. You do know you're wasting your time? You're not so clever."
Daft Ada threw back his head and gave a creepy electronic laugh. "I'm clever enough to turn a two-syllable word into a six-syllable word, ree-hee-hee-ear-err-lee! I don't need you," he sneered. "I'm after a bigger prize than you, Silo. He's the last remaining Bedi, and he will be mine."
"What?" Jack exclaimed, trying to process this snippet of information. "Daniel? You're after Daniel? You won't get him, y'know, he's too smart to walk into any trap you set for him."
"Is he? I think you're wrong there. He'd walk into hell to save his lover." Sweeping his long black cloak around his body, Daft Ada stalked out of Jack's cell, and the door snapped shut behind him.
Stunned, Jack found he could hardly breathe. The Sniff Lord had used him as bait, so Daniel would come running. "Fuck!" Jack yelled, and heard the word echo off the steel walls of his chamber. "Daniel is gonna try and get me out, and face the chance of dying in the process," the pilot choked out, "and there's no way I can warn him!"
Daniel knew Jack's distress was being used to flush him out, but even aware of it, he was determined to get to his lover and save him. He would have to find a way of sneaking into the Umpire's stronghold undetected.
It was then that Daniel had an idea and veered his ship away from his plotted course towards the hazy ring of rocks and space detritus known as the 'Dusty Belt,' rather like Dusty Bin only bigger. Flying his craft into the heart of the belt, he pushed the stick into top gear and flew a fast, looping route through the offspring of Mother Speck. Quickly, his ship became covered in dust and dirt, a perfect blanket that would camouflage the XYZ-Wing one-man fighter from the Umpire's sensors.
Rejoining his planned route, Daniel navigated his now invisible ship towards the heart of the Umpire.
Princess Layme Crater grinned broadly. At last she'd gotten the Farm Gate to work, and it was largely thanks to Daniel that she'd achieved success. His suggestion of cutting and pasting had been the clue that fuelled the key to opening the Gate. Somehow, she'd never factored in the use of a Pritt Stick, paper clips and duct tape...and those tiny little bits of silver sparkle.
This latest discovery would give the Alliance its best advantage yet, and soon, she was sure, the Umpire would be vanquished, overwhelmed by millions of home-decorated Christmas cards. Her technical skills would be needed more than ever, and she knew she could rise to the challenge. At long last, she began to see her true calling. Instead of a lowly princess, she would become Queen of the Computer Chip, Mistress of the Farm Gate and Creative Director for Collage.
Sitting back with satisfaction, she wondered whom she would choose as her consort. Would it be Daniel Jackson? He was clever, gentle, and curious, with an interesting wit that nestled somewhere between sharp rapier and blunt sarcasm. Added to those characteristics were charm, a gorgeous body, and a beautiful, open face.
Then there was Jack Silo... He oozed barely disguised masculinity, experience, and a brain. Sometimes he liked to play dumb, which could be incredibly annoying, whereas his intelligence and calculating mind was a real advantage in an uncertain world. Not only that, he was tall, lean, and as handsome as hell, with dark brown velvet eyes to die for.
The princess concluded she was wasting her time; the two men only had eyes for each other. Glancing up, she saw the tech, Siler, herding his Gorbenics back into their pen. He was tall, had an attractive build, and at a distance could double for Silo. He also had a good nature. Perhaps she could get him to fix her hairdryer, and help lick those lovely sticky silver stars over a good dinner...
Daniel crept silently along the vast, apparently deserted corridors, looking for the prisoner cells. R2D-Tox wheeled quietly behind him, and Daniel hoped his probe would be able to tap into the Umpire's security system and identify on which level Jack was being kept.
Little did he know that he was being followed at a discreet distance.
The Bounty Hunter, Blobby Felt, was tracking Daniel; the Umpire would pay handsomely for his capture, and the man needed a good payday.
As soon as Daniel found a systems terminal, he stopped, looked around him, and quickly ushered R2D-Tox to plug into it and find Jack's cell.
As he waited, his nerves were on edge, and he called on the Sauce to search nearby corridors and rooms for signs of Jaffa Cake activity. There was nothing except...he thought he could sense a presence, two in fact, both with malignant intent, but he couldn't discern if what he felt was a person, or people, or something else. He felt small tremors ripple through his body, but couldn't explain them. It was now that he wished Yodel's teaching had covered unexplained physical responses. Obviously, the string bag's course on 'Shivers, Shrugs, and Shudders 101' would have come later in his training. Now he would just have to be aware of the clues, piecing them together as he went.
By now, the drudge was giving out a low burbling whistle and nudging him in the thigh. Interpreting the robot's binary language, Daniel now had the whereabouts of Jack's location. Following the drudge, he proceeded soundlessly through the empty hallways until he reached Jack's cell door.
Pausing for a moment, Daniel wondered just how injured his lover might be. Even in the outback of Crap-Ooooh-Been, his home planet, the Umpire's dastardly deeds were well known, and the initiator of these, Daft Ada, was greatly feared as a result. Daniel was sure Jack would have suffered at the hands of the Sniff Lord, but right now, his mission was to extract his lover; he would worry about Jack's physical well being later.
Having instructed R2 to unlock the door, Daniel stepped into the cell and waited for it to close again. He could just make out Jack's crumpled form in the dim light. Gently, he ran his fingertips over Jack's shoulder and waited for him to turn over and face him.
Instead, he just heard the Sparrow captain groan. "Not again," he complained, his voice thin from pain and lack of sleep.
"It's me. It's Daniel," the Bedi replied softly. "I've come to save you."
For a moment, Jack neither spoke nor moved. His mind was trying to process whether the voice he heard was really Daniel's, or some sick joke played on him by the bastard in the black cloak.
"Jack," Daniel called again, squeezing his lover's bruised and sore flesh.
Pain and reality shot through the pilot's body, and he started, sitting up and staring into Daniel's concerned eyes. "Fuck, it really is you!" Jack murmured. "Boy, am I glad to see you," he went on, his voice regaining its strength.
"We need to go, Jack. Can you walk?"
"Yeah," Jack grunted and stood, his body stiff and aching.
"I might have been followed here," Daniel said. "I can't get a clear picture. I think the electronics in this place are playing havoc with my reception, probably atmospherics, or the weather or something. I'm sensing double."
Frowning, Jack shook his head. Daniel was talking gobbledygook, but he didn't care. He was just happy and relieved to be with him again. Leaning against his lover, Jack moved with him towards the door, but he stopped abruptly when he felt Daniel's body tense.
In a flash, Daniel reached for his light vibrator, its blade lighting up the cell. "Stay back," he hissed as he plunged the tip of his sword into the concealed lock. The door opened swiftly, and on the other side, ready to attack, was Blobby Felt.
With his reflexes so clearly honed through his training, Daniel was as quick as a lightening strike, and he severed the Bounty Hunter's head from his shoulders.
Watching the skull bounce with a stomach churning cracking sound, Jack looked at Daniel, shocked that such a gentle man could act with such ruthless and lethal efficiency.
"I've got an idea," Daniel said quickly. He grinned at his lover before giving him a lingering kiss.
Daft Ada looked up from his plate of sausages. "I sense something..." he muttered. He jammed the last of his frankfurter through the mouth grill of his helmet. Wiping away the strings of meat that didn't fit, he stalked out of the staff canteen.
A small group of Jaffa Cakes watched him leave. They concluded the man had more Sauce than a bottle of Heinz Ketchup, and more front than Bloomingdale's. He also had very messy eating habits...
Daniel and Jack made their way slowly to the hangar bay where the Bedi had left his ship, disguised as a pile of dirt. They hoped their presence wouldn't be detected.
When they were stopped and challenged, Jack thought their cause was lost.
"Halt! Who goes there?" the Jaffa Cake demanded to know.
"You stupid burke," Daniel reposted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Bounty Hunter, Blobby Felt, and that's Mister Felt to you!"
Jack hung his head and looked at the floor. He could hardly suppress his need to laugh out loud. Daniel's idea of dressing in the armour of the dead Felt and pretending to be him was a masterstroke. Jack was his prisoner, and that suited him fine, as long as the ruse worked.
The Jaffa Cake shifted nervously. "Where are you taking the prisoner?" he asked, lifting his ray gun and settling his finger on the trigger...just in case.
"To my lord, Daft Ada," Daniel announced.
At this Jack choked in surprise, and Daniel gave him a cursory poke in the back with Felt's borrowed pistol.
Genuinely groaning, Jack wanted to see what the outcome would be of this exchange.
Standing aside, the Jaffa Cake allowed them to move through the checkpoint without further ado.
Just as Daniel started to relax, his body vibrated with danger signals. Swinging around, he was face to face with the Sniff Lord.
"Soooo, you've come at last," Daft Ada observed. "I knew you would."
Drawing his light vibrator, Daniel widened his stance and prepared to fight the man for his and Jack's survival.
With a small gesture of his hand, Daft Ada sent Jack's body bouncing off the nearest wall, and the expressionless mask watched as he landed heavily, crumpled and unconscious at the foot of it.
"Now it's just you and me," the Sniff declared with a sneer in his voice.
The clash of sabre blades could be heard, snapping and sizzling around the hangar bay, as the men embarked on a desperate struggle for supremacy.
"The Sauce in you is strong," Daft Ada commented.
"I've got the extra spicy version," panted Daniel as he parried yet another strike from his adversary.
Desperately, Daniel defended himself against a series of blows that Daft Ada rained down on him.
Eventually, Daniel swiped at his foe and sliced both Daft Ada's hand and the weapon he was holding from his body. Startled and in pain, the Sniff Lord cried out, and Daniel cut into his shoulder, making the man fold at the knees. But before Daniel could render the final killing blow, Daft Ada summoned his last remaining ounce of strength to use the Parkside of the Sauce, uncoupling a piece of heavy lifting gear from the wall above him and sending it crashing into Daniel's body.
Momentarily stunned, Daniel saw the shadow of his enemy darken his vision.
"Join me," the Sniff demanded. "Join the Parkside!"
"Never!" Daniel croaked.
"But you must," Daft Ada continued. "We could start a family business, making bagels or dog food or something."
"What?" Daniel asked incredulously.
"Brat Enobi told you your father was dead." With a theatrical pause, Daft Ada waited for Daniel's confirmation.
Daniel, on the other hand, grasped at the possibility that the Dark Lord was going to tell him his father was alive and well and living in some out of the way place, somewhere in the galaxy.
"Yes, he did," replied Daniel angrily. "He told me you killed him!"
"Yes, I did," said Daft Ada flatly.
"Because he got in the way of my ambition. I just wanted to run a sandwich bar, but he wouldn't lend me the money." By now the older man's voice had taken on a whiny quality.
"So you killed him?"
"Put it down to sibling rivalry," the Sniff laughed.
"I...I don't understand!" Daniel yelled in frustration.
"I am your Uncle Nick," the Dark Lord announced. "Join me and be my bus boy."
Appalled by this revelation, Daniel scrabbled backwards, trying to put some distance between them as his mind searched for his light vibrator. Gradually his weapon of choice slowly edged towards him. Once he had it in his hand, he rushed at Daft Ada, mortally wounding him.
As the old man lay dying, Daniel was overcome with guilt and belated familial bonding. "Uncle Nick, I'm so sorry, I...I thought I could save you."
"It's all right, son, you have saved me. I would never have had the patience or business acumen to run a sandwich bar, so you've saved me from a fate worse than death." And with that, his light went out of the universe.
Choking with the loss of yet another relative, Daniel rested the Sniff's head gently on the floor before seeking out Jack.
The Sparrow captain was coming to his senses when Daniel found him. Scooping up the dazed man in his arms, Daniel kissed him on the forehead.
"How do you feel?"
"Like I just put my fingers in an electric plug socket," Jack grinned ruefully.
Just at that moment, a wormhole formed in space, just in front of the hangar bay, and through it stepped the Princess Layme Crater.
"Well, boys, how are you both doing?" she asked cheerfully.
"You made the Farm Gate work!" Daniel exclaimed.
"Yes, with your help, Daniel," the woman smiled. "This means we can go anywhere in the galaxy for free. No ships or thirty day advance booking needed. We have a chance to reform the Democratic Republic at last, and I will be one of its first wave of new diplomats," she laughed, sidling close to Jack and Daniel and giving them her best 'come on' look.
Squeezing Daniel's hand, Jack whispered to him through a grimace, "Do we get diplomatic immunity?"
"Good luck to you, Princess," Daniel grinned. "Jack and I have some unfinished business to take care of."
With that, the Bedi knight led Jack towards his XYZ-Wing. Closing the cockpit blinds, Daniel kissed his captain hard.
"Does this mean we get to have sex now?" Jack asked, his breath hitching.
"What do you think?" Daniel breathed back, already shucking out of his clothes.
"You're doing this because you want to, aren't you?" Jack asked carefully.
"What do you mean?"
"You're not just doing this because the reader expects it and has been waiting ages for it to happen?"
"No, Jack, I'm doing this because I love you, and because I want you more than anyone or anything. I wanted to save you...for this."
Now both naked, the men tried to get themselves comfortable in the tiny cockpit. There was virtually no light except for the faint illumination of the steady standby bulb, set to one side of the fuel gauge.
Daniel put his knees either side of Jack's and leaned forward across the steering wheel. Jack placed his hands on Daniel's buttocks and pulled him back slightly, so that he could tongue the Bedi's asshole. Lapping at the tight ring of muscle, Jack could hear Daniel's murmuring and muttering as his excitement rose. Pushing in a finger beside his tongue, Jack worked Daniel until he was at screaming point. Reaching into his top pocket, the one Daft Ada hadn't searched; Jack retrieved a tiny aerosol spray of lube, and squirted around Daniel's ass, emptying the rest over his straining cock.
"Danny, sit on me."
Slowly and carefully, Daniel lowered his weight down into Jack's lap, filling himself with his lover's cock.
"Oh, god, Daniel!" Jack cried ecstatically as he felt Daniel's tight heat envelope him.
Holding onto the steering wheel, Daniel rocked back and forth, fucking himself slowly and sensually on Jack's dick, finding his prostate and rotating his hips to maximise his pleasure.
Cupping Daniel's buttocks in his hands, Jack lifted and dropped his lover, taking some of his weight and the strain from his thighs. All the while he'd been a prisoner, Jack had dreamed of this, of his union with Daniel; it was the one thing that had kept his hope alive.
With Jack's very eager support, Daniel was able to take one hand off the wheel to steady himself and grabbing his own cock, he pumped hard and fast, the additional stimulation pushing him headlong towards orgasm.
As the men raced closer to completion, the cockpit grew lighter and brighter - Daniel's light vibrator was glowing powerfully, reflecting the love between them.
Neither of them knew what the future would bring, or what fate had in store for them, but they were together, and come hell or high water, they always would be.