All of you have been asking me to provide you with a "Colonel Jack O'Neill For Dummies" manual for a while.
HEY, WATCH THE DUMMY COMMENTS IN REFERENCE TO ME!
To ease the frankly almost hysterical level of fear involving those scheduled for fieldwork with Jack, here it is.
I'M EASY AS HELL TO WORK WITH, AS LONG AS THE GEEKS DO WHAT I TELL THEM TO DO. YOU'VE HAD IT EASY THESE FIVE YEARS, AND YOU KNOW IT! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THEY'RE A BUNCH OF WUSSES WHO SCARE EASY, IS IT?
- The first and absolutely top thing you must know to appease the walking legend that is Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, is this: Jack doesn't suffer fools gladly.
I SURE DON'T. SHOULD LINE UP THE ENTIRE NID AND SHOOT THEM, THE FOOLS.
Actually, Jack doesn't suffer anyone gladly, especially if that person involves a change in status. Jack is very set in his ways (kind of like a hippopotamus stuck in a mud wallow) and doesn't like changes in general.
HEY! I AM NOT GETTING FAT, DANIEL, AND THAT HIPPOPOTAMUS COMMENT WAS BELOW THE BELT. YOU'RE MAKING ME SOUND LIKE AN OLD STICK-IN-THE-MUD HERE. I CAN BE JUST AS FLEXIBLE AS THE NEXT GUY, YA KNOW.
He especially doesn't like it when his team members are replaced. The top thing that can put Jack off his feed is when his civilian consultant is switched. That's me, by the way.
YOU'RE MINE, ON OR OFF THE JOB, AND NO ONE CAN KEEP YOU SAFER THAN I CAN. IT'S SIMPLE REASONING. BESIDES, YOU'RE A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN IN THE FIELD, AND I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOST EXPERIENCE EXTRACTING YOU FROM IT SAFELY.
- Don't assume that since Jack is a Colonel in the Air Force, he should understand your topic the way one of us would. Yes, Air Force officers are required to get a Masters degree to be promoted to Colonel. Jack does have a Masters degree, in Astronomy, actually.
HEY, DON'T GIVE ME AWAY, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! DON'T WANT ANYONE THINKING I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THIS STUFF.
Follow this rule, and you should be okay. When you explain things to him, do it as you would if you wrote it in an "Archeology For Dummies" book. Or, even better, use Dr. Seuss-like sentences.
HOW'S THIS ONE: THE ARCHEOLOGIST WHO INSULTS HIS BUD, WILL FOREVER BE SLEEPING ON HIS OWN. YOU MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A FRIGGING IDIOT, ARTIFACT BOY!
- Jack isn't dumb, even though he acts like it a lot. Be sure that you do have all the facts ready when you give the watered-down explanation. Just to throw you off, he's likely to ask an intelligent question that will make you think.
GOTTA KEEP THE GEEKS ON THEIR TOES.
- When it comes to combat situations, do exactly as the Colonel orders. He will keep you alive if you do. If you don't and you live through the situation, he will kill you himself, in all likelihood. Or he will have you thrown out of the SGC. I'm the only one who can get away with disobeying Jack, because he forgives me anything.
I THINK YOU'VE PUSHED ME PAST THE POINT OF FORGIVENESS WITH THIS MEMO. IT IS WAY MORE INSULTING THAN MINE WAS. THAT'LL SHOW ME TO FIGHT WITH WORDS AGAINST A LINGUIST. A SOON-TO-BE-CELIBATE-FOR-A-VERY- LONG-TIME LINGUIST.
- Don't take anything Jack says personally. Like I am always saying, he's just intimidated because you're way smarter than he is. Oh, and he resents you because you're not me. Don't worry about that, it's a Jack thing.
- Your job when you are out with the military teams is to give them the benefit of your knowledge and to think outside the (extremely narrow) military box.
EXTREMELY NARROW? I LOVE A FRIGGING MALE LINGUIST. IS THAT NARROW MINDED? MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE I SHOULD GO BACK TO LIKING WOMEN. THAT WOULD FIT YOUR NARROW MINDED DEFINITION JUST FINE, WOULDN'T IT?
If you feel strongly about a situation, you need to firmly state your opinion. There is a time and place, however, to do this. Do not stop to state your opinion after the first shot has been fired. This annoys Jack.
I'LL SHOOT ANYONE BUT YOU WHO DOES THIS OUT IN THE FIELD.
Trust me, you don't want to see an annoyed Jack (yes, he does have other moods than annoyed, he just doesn't show them very often). When disagreeing with him, remember to keep your voice low and non- threatening (imagine that you are talking to an enraged pit-bull, that works for me when he's gone special ops on me).
I AM NOT A DOG. AND IF I WAS A DOG, I WOULD BE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER, NOT A PIT BULL. YOU, DANIEL, WOULD BE A POODLE.
YEAH, THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO. YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE, HERE.
- Related to item 2 above, remember that Jack does not do constructive criticism well.
THAT'S BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.
He is used to being obeyed with alacrity, not questioned.
BY EVERYONE BUT YOU. I NEVER GET ANY RESPECT FROM YOU.
- When Jack tells you to watch his six, that means to stay at his back and make sure no one sneaks up on you. That does not mean to admire O'Neill's butt. Even if it is a ten on a scale of five, keep your eyes off of it and on the area behind the two of you.
YOU TRYING TO GET BACK IN MY GOOD GRACES WITH THIS? IT WON'T WORK. YOU'LL HAVE TO REALLY GROVEL TO GET ANYTHING ANY TIME SOON, DANIEL.
- If it is time to go, and you need a little more time to work at the site, these things work for me: I look at him from under my eyelashes and lick my lips. I sigh and look as though Santa Clause didn't leave me a present. Jack's a sucker numero uno for that one.
I AM SO NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THESE TRICKS AGAIN, SUCKER. THANKS FOR CLUING ME IN.
- Jack is Air Force Special Ops trained. That means that he knows many, many ways to kill people.
YOU SHOULD TRY ME ON KILLING LOVERS. THIS MEMO HAS GIVEN ME SOME INSPIRATION.
It also means that he's a good man to have protecting you in a firefight. What it doesn't mean is that he would make a cheap research assistant at a safe site. Do not ask him to sift dirt or hold your flashlight, or he might use his skills on you.
YOU ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME TO HOLD YOUR FLASHLIGHT OUT IN THE FIELD, DANIEL, DESPITE OUR NO NOOKIE ON MISSIONS RULE. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH, HERE.
- Don't be surprised if Jack makes bad jokes at the worst times. It's his way of dealing with stress. You can pretend to be amused by them, which he'd like. Don't bother getting shocked by the tastelessness of most of them. It's just the way he is.
HEY, MY JOKES ARE FUNNY. TEAL'C ALWAYS LAUGHS (WELL, HE RAISES AN EYEBROW AND CURLS HIS LIP, THAT'S LAUGHING FOR TEAL'C). YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS CAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL A JOKE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.
- To enhance your survival in the field, offer to cook when it is Jack's turn.
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MY COOKING. HURT, HERE, DANNY.
- Expect to be interrupted every fifteen minutes or less when you are surveying a site. The kind of questions will be things like, "What'cha doing?" or "What's that thingie there?". Jack isn't asking them because he's interested or because he wants an answer. He's asking them because he's bored.
Colonel Jack O'Neill gets bored easily. His attention span varies, but I'd say the average time you'll have before he gets bored and asks another pointless question is fifteen minutes. Get used to it. It's the way he is.
CAN I HELP IT IF I'M A MAN OF ACTION? CAN I?
- Try to arrange to share a tent with Major Carter or Teal'c if you can, rather than Jack. That's because Jack is a major snuggler. Even if he is dressed in full arctic gear and in a separate sleeping bag, somehow he will manage to end up in yours.
POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, HERE, DANIEL. REMEMBER P3R-65X? YOUR LEG IN MY BOXERS? AND IT WAS MY SIDEARM IN THERE ON RX3-889. YOU'RE LUCKY YOU WEREN'T SHOT.
If that happens, you'll have to deal with me when you get back. I don't share. Also, he snores. Loudly. He will blame you for the snoring in the morning.
I DO NOT SNORE. YOU AND YOUR ALLERGIES CAN DEFLATE THE TENT, THEY ARE SO DAMNED LOUD!
- Related to item ten above, Jack often suffers from a sensitive stomach in the field. Even though they are uncomfortable, if you end up sharing a tent with him, bring along an organic vapor filter respirator. You'll thank me for it, trust me.
T.M.I. DANIEL. TAKE THIS ITEM OUT, *NOW*!!!!! OR I WILL HAVE TO TAKE DRASTIC ACTION!
- Get up when Jack calls reveille in the morning. Don't ignore him and oversleep. He will pull the tent down around you.
IT'S SO MUCH FUN GETTING YOU OUT OF IT AFTERWARDS, I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
- Colonel Jack O'Neill is difficult, grouchy, sarcastic, and rude. He is also brave to a fault, loyal, funny, and an honest-to-goodness hero.
FUNNY? NOW I'M FUNNY? I THOUGHT MY JOKES WEREN'T FUNNY?
He never leaves a team member behind. He expects a lot out of you, but he will risk his life to keep you safe or to rescue you if the situation calls for it. Jack expects the best out of his team, and won't settle for less. If you don't plan to give it when you are out there on another world, then I suggest you resign now. Because if something happens to him due to your screw up, then you will have to deal with *me* when you get back. Trust me, you'd rather deal with Jack, any day.
WELL, I JUST LOVE IT WHEN YOU GO ALPHA, DANNY. I GUESS, IF YOU TALK REAL NICE TO ME TONIGHT, I'LL FORGIVE YOU FOR THE REST OF THIS STUPID MEMO.